The four questions people subconsciously ask before they trust you.
What is trust, really?
One of the simplest yet accurate definitions I’ve come across is this:
Trust is a confident relationship with the unknown. 1
Think about it.
You trust the sun will rise tomorrow.
You trust water will come out when you turn on the tap.
You trust your alarm will go off in the morning.
Most of the time, trust is invisible. Shaped by what already has been proven.
We don’t think about it when it’s there. We only notice it when it’s broken.
The same is true at work.
You trust (or you don’t) that when a colleague says they’ll deliver something by Friday, they will.
You trust (or you don’t) your leader will follow through on what they say.
You trust (or you don’t) your team has your back when it matters.
So, what builds that trust?
Through both research2 and personal experience, I’ve found that whether someone trusts you or not comes down to four questions people are subconsciously asking:
1. Are you capable?
- Do you have the skills and judgment to do the job well?
2. Are you reliable?
- Do you follow through on what you say you’ll do?
3. Are you honest?
- Do your words and actions consistently line up?
4. Do you care?
- Do I matter to you, or am I just a means to an outcome?
These are the same four questions you’re asking when you decide whether to trust someone else. And when trust is low, it’s almost always because one of these areas has been compromised.
Here’s what’s important: trust isn’t all-or-nothing.
You can trust someone in one area and not another.
I trust Amazon’s reliability and capability.
I’m less confident in their integrity around data.
I trust my teenage son’s honesty and care.
I’m still working on trusting the capability of his driving.
As leaders, our effectiveness rises and falls based on how consistently people can answer “yes” to all four.
And this is where a key leadership tension comes into play:
Task AND Relationship.
When leaders over-focus on relationships but neglect tasks, people may trust their honesty and care, but question their competence and reliability.
When leaders over-focus on tasks but neglect relationships, people may trust their capability and reliability but question their honesty, and care.
High-trust leaders embrace both!
On the Task side:
- Build Capability by continuous learning, admitting gaps, and surrounding yourself with strong people
- Build Reliability by doing what you say, showing up prepared, and communicating early when plans change
On the Relationship side:
- Build Honesty by telling the truth even when it’s difficult, sharing context, and owning mistakes
- Build Care by listening well, knowing your people, and considering the human impact of decisions
The good news? Trust can be built faster than you think.
The challenge? It can be lost even faster, and once broken, it’s hard to rebuild.
So here’s a simple reflection:
Which of these four areas would your team give you a confident “yes” on right now?
And which one might need some attention in the season ahead?
Because at the end of the day, trust isn’t built through intention.
It’s built through consistent action.
- Rachel Botsman, Who Can You Trust? How Technology Brought Us Together and Why It Might Drive Us Apart (2017)
- Informed from the Center for Creative Leadership’s model of trust
What does it actually look like to “speak your language” as a keynote speaker?
Recently, I had the opportunity to work with staff from BioPed franchises across the country. This short video gives a behind-the-scenes look at how I prepare, customize, and deliver for each client. Watch now:
